A dark solstice week

On the lightest day of the year Sweden decided on new residency laws for refugees making me ashamed to be a Swede and moving us towards darker times. And on Midsummer’s Eve’s morning we woke up to Brexit. This, the lightest week of the year, has been a dark one.

To me it’s a peace and solidarity project.

I was very sceptic. I remember our first stay in Seattle 1993, people asking me about the European Union. And about my opinion. Sweden would take a vote in 1994. I didn’t believe in the project. Look at the U.S., it’s hard enough although all 50 states are speaking the same language and the currency is the same! The European countries have their separate languages, currencies and cultures, even though it’s a lot of times is close between the borders! No, I didn’t think it would work. And so I voted no.

83% of the Swedish people went to the polls, and luckily I didn’t get to decide. We joined the Union in 1995.

The next vote was in 2003, would we join the monetary union? I voted yes. It’s hard to know if the outcome had been different if hadn’t our Foreign Minister Anna Lindh been stabbed to death in a Stockholm downtown store the same weekend as the vote. It might be that we went for the familiar in a time of chock. Sweden voted no to the Euro, and so our participance within the EU came to be a very Swedish solution: lagom. Lagom means the middle way. Not too much and not too little. With an inclination towards not too much.

Which turned out to be a lucky strike. The Swedish economy has been doing really well outside the monetary union while many of the Euro countries have been struggling hard. We have had the best of both worlds. You could also say we haven’t done our part in being solidary with the less fortunate countries.

To me EU is a peace and solidarity project. Meanwhile things were at it’s worst in Greece some years ago someone said to me, well, if this had been a hundred years ago we had all probably been at war with each other. Yes, probably. Europe hasn’t through it’s history been known for being very peaceful, on the contrary. And Sweden was constantly at war until 207 years ago. Not that the 207 years of staying out of war has anything to do with the EU, but I’m just saying.

I can understand, if not agree, on Great Britain thinking they would be better off without the EU. Why would a former colonial super power need anyone else? Didn’t we once own the world, they might ask them selves, feeling the colonial blood running in their veins? Why would we allow everyone else parasitizing on us? 

Well, because we are in this together! Brussels might be an unwieldily institution and the farther we are from that center, the more foreign it might feel. But the fact that people from 28 countries have to constantly come together, meet, listen, talk, see each other and connect, make war much less probable to happen. And to believe that we are better off not participating in the European community is believing we are superior. And that’s a very dangerous thing.

I am genuinely worried. We can’t even fantasize about the consequences of a Europe as we now know it, falling a part. Meanwhile the continent is a goal for thousands and thousands of people fleeing their homelands from war and terror, only to find barbed wire and borders closed. And to the east Putin stone faced watching, scheming machinations. Add to that Donald Trump to the west and we have a doom’s day world scenario.

This is the case. My case. The end/Final

It started summer 2014 and ended this week. Two years.

For those of you following me, you know I have been in a legal process with the City regarding my needs for assistance as I am physically restricted. The main part of the contentious issue has been regarding being assisted to my treatments twice a week. June 2014 my application was denied by the City and November I appealed to the Court of First Instance (Förvaltningsrätten). And lost. 

Although my lawyer and I had very little hope about a different outcome, we decided to go forward in the process, appealing to the Court of Second Instance (Kammarrätten). This happened in January 2015.

On Midsummer’s Eve 2015 I got to know the Court of Second Instance (Kammarrätten) approved my appeal, which means they were willing to look at the verdict from the Court of First Instance (Förvaltningsrätten)! Great news, there was something they were questioning and willing to look in to!

In November though, the verdict came. I lost. I was sure that was the end of it, so I had been told, but it turned out I could do one more appeal, to the Court of Third Instance, Högsta förvaltningsdomstolen.

My lawyer is just the sweetest person.  By that time he had put in I am sure at least 30 hours on me, only charging me for 5. And he still wanted to go forward. Would I be onboard? Of course I was! I am not a quitter, neither is he.

I need to explain my situation about the main issue. To survive this pain hell I am living I get treatments twice a week by a chiropractor. It will never cure me, but it gives me temporarily pain relief for some hours or some day. And without them I would get even worse.

Now, how the system works here in Sweden is that if I need treatments within the healthcare system I am allowed subsidized taxi and assistance to get where I need to be. But not so if the treatments are outside the healthcare system, private. Since I can’t find the help I need within the system I need to seek it outside, which not only makes it terribly expensive, it also means I am not allowed help to get myself there. And the latter is what I have been fighting for.

This is also a reason for my lawyer to fight. Because I am not the only one in Sweden with this problem. I am sorry to say, Bernie Sanders, but although we have a fine healthcare system, a lot of what we need isn’t within it. And when you are outside the box, you are really outside the box. You are on your own. And in this case I am on my own. And so are many with me.  And this is why my lawyer wanted to do the appeal to the Court of Third Instance, Högsta förvaltningsdomstolen. So, we did. Although we knew the chance for succeeding was minimal. 

The denial came Thursday. The Court of Third Instance, Högsta förvaltningsdomstolen, decided not to look at the verdict from Court of Second Instance, Kammarrätten. Which means I lost. 

This is what my lawyer tells me: normally a denial comes after only about a month. In this case they had been considering for six months. Which means they had been thinking long and hard. And unfortunately made the wrong decision.

I have been fighting quite a few battles in my life but never before a legal one.  It lasted for two years and now it’s over. I lost. And that’s the end of it.

Unless… I can come up with a way to change the law.

Change of scenery

Standing on my upper floor balcony I feel like being on a command deck. All this space in front of me! Unlimited sight all the way to… the forest on Torrberget (Dry Mountain)…which is only like a football field away, but…yet…

This is a story about five big mountain ashes. Yes, I have a thing for trees. Anyway, the mountain ashes were planted by my grandfather when he home steaded (is that a word?) the farm for him and his family. The purpose for the ashes was to protect the place from western winds coming down the mountain over the open fields. The trees are in line with the baker’s cottage and constitutes the border between the front yard and the fields. The border between farming and the farm. So, they have been important from many aspects.

When I was a child my sister and my cousins and I built a tree house in one of them. I still remember the feeling being hidden and above the heads of our parents, the sound of the foliage and the tree moving, me moving with.

There was a clothes line running between the trees. My mother used to whip her home woven rag rugs hanging on the line and later I hang my own families clothes to dry in in the warm afternoon sun. And of course Trouble & Trouble’s first tree house was in one of those mountain ashes, safe in the one closest to the baker’s cottage where their grandma and grandpa spent the summers.

But mountain ashes don't last forever. Some years ago I had to take down the one sweeping the tin roof of the baker’s cottage. There was a hole in the sky and in my soul. A couple of years later it was time for the one far out on the other side of the line of trees. Now there were only tree left.

I was planning on one more this summer. But they were all looking quite sad. And last weekend I suddenly felt I was ready. It was time.

Bertil S is my forester in the village. He knows every piece of woodland around the area and keeps me informed about what’s going on everywhere. He is also the one I call when I need help with some forestry related problem on my property.

Yesterday Bertil and his forester colleague Klas showed up with their tractors and chain saws. In an hour the mountain ashes were down and gone. I was standing on the balcony. Being present. Taking in every stem falling with a muffled crash/thud. Taking pictures. Breathing. For every stem falling, a hole in the scenery. And finally, a new scenery.

I had been trying to picture this for many years, as I knew it would be inevitable. Yet, it’s not possible until it’s happened and done.

Loosing trees makes me feel unprotected. And the view from my couch out the window is weirdly…empty. The mountain ashes have been my eyes fixing point. Now it’s just…sky. They have also been a stop for birds. For 35 years I have been watching the birds for the season take a rest in the ashes. Where will they go now?

The decision was mine and it was the right one. It was time. And I will adjust. Finding a new fixing point in the forest at the foot a Torrberget. Unlimited sky is nice too. And there is a great advantage with this change! I will have a place to sit in the sun! The trees were shadowing the west side of the house. Although it is the natural place to enjoy the afternoon sun it’s been some kind of waste land all my grown up life. No more though! This will be good!

Loosing the patience with my life

It was when my Ipad suddenly announced it was full, although it isn’t, it happened.

I am trying to communicate with a friend. We have been sending PMs on Facebook and for some weird reason my friend’s messages aren’t delivered. Or they are, but hours later or the day after. Our conversations get interrupted, lacking in rhythm, loosing flow and momentum. This has been going on for a while and it’s really frustrating. 

So, the other day I switched communication media to an app which I installed on my Ipad. Finally! Deep breath out. No more waiting and frustration. Flow!

Then yesterday my Ipad told me there was no space left, and I simply couldn’t use it. Which is ridiculous as I have nothing there. Consulting Trouble 2 he says Ipads can be funny that way, it is hard to empty the cash memory and he couldn’t figure it out over the phone. I have to wait until Tuesday. 

Which shouldn’t be the end of the world. But in combination with trying on a pair of walking shoes (which is only one out of many in the project Finding a Pair of Shoes that Works for Me) realizing these won’t work either, I lost it. I would have needed a couple of hours at the gym (which you know is impossible) to work out all the anger and frustration needing to come out.

All I could do was take a little stroll on my front yard. Where my grand father’s apple tree is covered in gorgeous white blossom. And the first red campion and purple cranesbill just came out. I love wild flowers. I love picking them and filling the house with bouquets in June. Only, I haven’t been able to for years. Because I can’t bend over. They are on the ground and I can’t reach them.

That’s when I really lost it. 

In my situation, you need to find a certain level of acceptance. Or else you won’t mentally survive. And I have. I can do that. I have acquired a patience that allows me to wait for a painting getting hung on the wall for years and be honestly happy when it’s done. I am accepting that my lower kitchen drawers are a mess (as here is plenty of people moving things around) and nothing is where I want it to be. Because I can’t do anything about it. And normally I am happy to see the wild flowers come ut, grateful just watching them.

But, I am enjoying the blossoming apple tree mean while I am also really annoyed with the deck under neath that needs a new coat of color and looks quite sad. And I know it won’t happen this summer because the work quota for Trouble & Trouble is already  filled with things (by me) ranking higher on this year’s priority list here at the end of the road.

So all I can do is being patient and wait.

I think my situation would be hard for anyone. But the thing is, I have so much will power. And I used to have a body that would paint that deck no problem, and hang the painting and give my roses new soil and mow the lawn and take care of everything myself, not relying on or waiting for anyone to fix all those things my will power desired to do.

And yesterday, when I couldn’t reach my beloved wild flowers and not communicate with my friend, I just lost it. I lost the patience with my life. The life I am equally grateful for and hate. I don't want to be patient any more! My patience is gone! I can’t wait any more! I don’t have time waiting!

I feel like I have been wearing a white fluffy fur cape, covering me. The cape Patience. And above that my smile. Saying I am fine. I am grateful for what I have. Look how grateful I am.

Yesterday I threw that white fur coat on the floor. Too bad it was so fluffy, I would have needed a big bang to go with the throw. The smile was wiped out with anger, frustration and sadness. I was mad and sad all evening. I went to bed mad. I woke up mad. And now I am writing, blowing some steam.

Things could be so much worse. I know that for a fact. I have a beautiful home and a very special place to live. I am healthy, well except for my physical restrictions and all that complementary pain. And I am grateful. I have to be grateful. And I have to be patient. But all this spring I’ve been like a volcano, feeling like I would erupt any minute. All that will power trapped inside. All that…life that wants to come out and…live. All that patience covering the real me. All this time passing while glowing lava buried deep down is running like underground rivers longing for light.